Today my husband and I had a day out. We went and did our Christmas Shopping. We wanted to watch a movie after all was done but no movies were showing at the time that we were available. We were both frustrated. It seemed to me as though he just wanted to go home.
And I thought to myself, ‘Am I really that boring? Do you really not want to just grab a coffee with me, just because there’s no movie on?’ I was really hurt by his lack of enthusiasm without a movie, and I felt incredibly unwanted. I withdrew into myself.
In the end we decided to grab dinner at a cafe. I was quiet. He kept searching my eyes. Finally he broke me out of my shell by asking about my plans for the upcoming week.
After I talked about that and every other concern and worry on my mind, he shared about his upcoming week and stories from work. It amazes me just how interested he is in all things mechanical, and just how his mind works. I watched him tonight as though I was noticing him for the first time… in a very long time. I loved his animated facial expressions as he described this piece of machinery and that other piece of machinery. I looked at him, remembering the young boy that I met. And I realised just how far he has come, and just how much of a different person he is today compared to that young boy. I mused at the fact that, ultimately, I AM the most perfect partner for him. Who else would listen to this conversation with genuine interest? I can’t imagine any other woman being too interested. Yet I am. I was brought up with a father who was much the same, and shared much the same types of conversation. It’s in my blood.
I relished in the fact that my young boy has grown, and is grown up.
With a little pain in my heart, I realised in the middle of it all, that for all of my feelings loneliness of late, I am the one that needs to see him for who he is.
I have such giant expectations of who he should be, but I don’t stop to see him for who he is. I wish so much that he were a handyman to fix all there is to fix around the house, and that he would help out with the housework a lot more than he does, and that he would pay closer attention to me. But all the while, I completely miss the things he DOES do. He has an amazing brain that I have always admired, and that brain works best AT WORK. Not doing handyman jobs around the house.
He asked if I would mind him putting a ready-made shelf inside our wardrobe, as “that will save me having to build the shelves into it.” Deep down I was once again disappointed. It wasn’t what I WANTED. I don’t want second-choice, I don’t want second-rate, why couldn’t he give me first-choice and first-rate if only for the pure sake of pleasing the one he loves? Why ?! But I suddenly thought, ‘It’s okay…. So he’s not a handyman…. Who cares? He is doing what he can muster to do. He still wants to do it for you , when he could EASILY tell you to turn to your dad.’ And I smiled inwardly realising that we ALL have our limitations. Even this most perfect man that I am in love with.
I guess I have always seen him as extremely clever, and extremely able. And yes he is. But he is also human.
And you know what, the ready-made shelf inside the wardrobe will work just as fine.
I never stop to truly look at him. All I see is a lazy man watching TV into the late hours of the night, and it disgusts me. It boils my blood to see that scenario night in and night out. But you know what, he works HARD during the day! He has a demanding job, more than ever! And all he wants and needs is to CHILL and relax… And watching TV is simply his most favourite way of relaxing! Why can’t I accept that ?!? Why do I need to mould him into ME? He’s not Me! No, TV is not relaxing for me. I hate TV. If I can avoid it, I will. But why do I punish him because he doesn’t do or think or feel as I do?
Somewhere along the line I’ve stopped allowing him to BE WHO HE IS.
That is what I realised this afternoon.
I love him so much, and I love him very deeply. I don’t want him to be anything other than who he is. I never wanted him to be!
He’s not the one lacking.
It is me.
And I do thank God for showing me this over the last few days. I really do.
I am ready to love him for who he is, all over again. And he IS a different person to who he was just a few years ago. And I need to pop my head out of my sand, and see him! And love him.
Written December 15, 2014